Understanding your child’s attachment style

Forming a healthy emotional connection is key for a child’s development, sense of security and future wellbeing.

From the earliest days, the emotional bonds or attachment that develop between a child and parent are key. That attachment lays the foundations of how a child perceives the world around them.

It helps children to feel safe, protected and loved as they begin to navigate the world around them, and to later build connections and relationships outside of home.

The type of attachment a child forms to their parent can vary and parenting experts have identified four main styles:

1. Secure attachment
2. Insecure avoidant attachment
3. Insecure resistant, and
4. Disorganised attachment.

So, what does each attachment style mean and how can you best support your child to feel secure and confident?

1.Secure attachment

“This is the most common attachment and it’s best for a child’s development,” says former MMC School Psychologist, Lily Trew.

“When children are securely attached to parents, they’re confident that their parent is available and responsive and this gives a child confidence to take risks. They know their parent is there to support them, and as they grow up and explore, they know they can still rely on parental support. The relationship is like an elastic band that will stretch and flex.”

Secure attachment creates a string of positive mental health outcomes – children can form healthy personal relationships, regulate their emotions, have good communication skills and they don’t have a fear of rejection.

2. Insecure avoidant attachment

Children with this type of attachment seem indifferent to whether a parent is with them or not. They can explore alone and when their parent returns, they may act as if the parent is not there.

But underneath, these children often feel quite stressed and upset when their parent leaves and a child may develop an anxious attachment when they feel a parent isn’t consistent in responding to their needs.

“These children often appear more independent and avoid emotional closeness. They find it difficult to trust and so they downplay their need for support,” says Lily.

“This type of attachment can form early in childhood because of unmet needs. Their parent or caregiver may have been distant or wasn’t consistent, so the child learns not to trust other people because they won’t provide support when it’s needed.”

3. Insecure resistant attachment

If a child forms this kind of attachment or bond with a parent, they can often appear clingy. They stick close to Mum or Dad, don’t venture far and when their parent leaves them alone, they often become distressed. Even when their parent returns, a child remains unsettled for some time.

“These children combine clinginess and some resistance. They’re anxious about their parent’s availability, have difficulty regulating their emotions and it can often arise if a child feels a parent or caregiver hasn’t been consistently available or responsive to their needs,” says Lily.

4. Disorganised attachment

The rarest form of attachment is often the result of a child being traumatised or mistreated by a caregiver. They feel unsafe, rejected, neglected and alone.

“A child will be confused about where they can seek comfort and whom to trust and they will often be fearful of adults because of past experiences of adults not providing the support they need,” says Lily.

Building a secure attachment

Each child is different, so we need to be a different parent and provide different care to each child. That care can also vary at different stages of a child’s life.

“If you are struggling to understand your child’s attachment style and how best to support them, you can seek professional support from a psychologist,” says Lily.

Here are 6 ways parents can do help to reinforce a secure attachment with their child:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions and try to respond in a supportive and timely way.
2. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and let them know talking about emotions is ok.
3. If your child is upset, stay close to them. Sometimes out of frustration, they’ll display their upset with inappropriate behaviour. Look beyond that and offer your help.
4. Spend time with your child doing things they enjoy.
5. Be consistent and stable – do what you promise, be available when you say you’ll be available. This helps your child see you as safe, reliable and trustworthy.
6. Set limits and boundaries and stick to them. Children may act like they don’t want boundaries but they provide safety and stability.

About Lily Trew

Lily integrates principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Schema therapy and mindfulness into her practice.

In 2023 – 2024 Lily Trew was MMC’s on-campus school psychologist – her therapeutic approach aligned perfectly with the Montessori philosophy and prioritised strong relationships to empower young people to create their own positive change.  She was highly regarded and valued amongst both the staff and student of the college.

She creates a warm, collaborative and non-judgemental space and has worked with children, adults and families in rural and metro communities. She is passionate about helping individuals to lead mindful, values-driven lives.

Lily has recently moved to Sydney to start her own practice.