MMC Wellness: Why not being perfect is perfectly fine

How can you help your child give up on the pursuit of perfection?

Setting goals and trying their best can help young people find success and happiness, but striving for unrealistic goals and unattainable standards, and being self-critical when they don’t meet those goals, can have the opposite effect.

Whether this applies to exams and school work, their appearance, or enjoying healthy relationships with family and friends, a belief that everything has to be perfect – and that anything less is a failure – can have damaging impacts on a young person’s wellbeing.

Worryingly, research from Australian and international universities suggests the pursuit of perfectionism in young people is on the rise, so how can parents help their child avoid the perfectionism trap?

Fearful of failure

“Behind perfectionism is a core belief that ‘I am a failure’,” says MMC School Psychologist, Lily Trew.

“Students can become excessively stressed and distressed as their need to be perfect and their fear of failure becomes stronger. They become too afraid to take risks and to try new things, and they become unable to make decisions and so they procrastinate.

“Parents may notice mood changes, excessive worry and anxiety, and young people may become so preoccupied with achieving at school that they become withdrawn and avoid spending time with their family and friends.”

Black and white thinking

‘All or nothing’ thinking and being overly self-critical can also be signs of perfectionism.

“Young people may catastrophise a situation, always imagine the worst-case scenario, or be very black and white in how they see a situation. Because of their negative self-talk, they will also fixate on what they feel they haven’t done well, rather than focusing on their successes,” says Lily.

How to help

If you’re concerned that your child is becoming a perfectionist, here are four ways you can help them to maintain a more balanced perspective:

1. Challenge their version of success and failure. “Give them a balanced perspective of what achievement looks like and challenge unrealistic versions of success. Reframe and help them set realistic goals,” says Lily. “Ask them why they think they are a failure and ask them for their evidence of that. Then counter that by giving them proof of how they are succeeding and progressing.
2. Let your child know it’s normal to be scared to try something new. Listen to their concerns about being scared to fail when they try something different. Let them know you’ve also been anxious when you’ve faced a new situation, and talk to them about your own failures and what you learned from that experience.
3. How to help your child make a plan. “If they have a busy schedule and lots of academic demands, ask them what they need from you and how they’d like you to support them. Remind them while it’s good to prioritise study, getting some rest is important, too,” suggests Lily.
4. Be a ‘non-perfect’ role model. Show your child that life isn’t just about reaching the next goal and the goal after that. Demonstrate that being perfect isn’t a priority by showing them it’s OK to rest, make mistakes and have some fun.

Helping your child understand that attaining perfection is neither possible nor desirable is one of the most valuable lessons you can teach them.

It will help your child navigate the ups and downs of school life and help them figure out who they really are and what matters to them. It will also help young people build confidence and self-assurance so they can be themselves and help the people around them to also understand that perfection is over-rated.

About Lily Trew

Lily is a provisional psychologist who is completing a Master of Clinical Psychology. Her therapeutic approach aligns perfectly with the Montessori philosophy and prioritises strong relationships to empower young people to create their own positive change.

Lily integrates principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Schema therapy and mindfulness into her practice.

She creates a warm, collaborative and non-judgemental space and has worked with children, adults and families in rural and metro communities. She is passionate about helping individuals to lead mindful, values-driven lives.

Helping your child understand that attaining perfection is neither possible nor desirable is one of the most valuable lessons you can teach them.