Why the Toddler Years Matter

Building the ‘Emotional Floor’ that Children Will Walk On for the Rest of Their Life

The Toddler Years are when children build their ‘emotional floor’– those most basic understandings and core beliefs about themselves and their world, and a key part of toddler emotional development.  Because of this, they are the most important foundation for human life and also the time when a child begins to develop their understanding of two worlds – one from the inside out and one from the outside in.

Children are also creating their stories and the adults in their lives – family and educators – are important co-creators in those stories. We have such an influence on the environment around a child and so help shape their experiences.

However, it’s essential to remember that children are their ‘own person’ from the very beginning and simply need some time and support to find their way so they can fully become themselves. This is a view very much at the heart of Dr Maria Montessori’s own observations of young children.

Communicating Positive and Real Messages

For adults in the toddler’s world, the most important stories to convey to our children in the first years of their life, are those that communicate positive and real-world messages.

These are stories about the world outside and around them, as well as messages about the world inside them, those that explore their emotions, sensations, needs and wants. This can be as simple as telling them stories that convey basic truths such as ‘you matter to me’, ‘I’m here for you’, ‘I’m on your side,’ and ‘I delight in you and with you’.

It is through these simple, repeated messages that attachment, trust, safety and connection between the child and their adults are built. These moments are deeply important. But remember you don’t have to be perfect though, just good enough – what a relief !

Tip: Slow down to their speed.

It’s not so much the words that matter as the quality of the attention and connection.  When you can, slow down to their speed, come down to their level and give them your full, open-hearted attention.

Coping and Asking for Help

During the Toddler Years, a child can learn that all emotions are okay and are part of being human, and that kind, firm limits help them learn to cope and navigate their world in a positive way.

They can also learn that they can try hard, persist and always ask for help if they need support.

Toddlers can listen to and absorb stories that communicate safety, trust and attunement. These stories help the child come to believe and to understand concepts like ‘I am seen’, ‘I am heard’, ‘I am celebrated and delighted within my life’ and ‘I can trust myself and others’. This supports toddlers as they build themselves from the inside out.

These stories also connect a child to the real world around them every day and can help and support them to manage all their basic needs such as sleeping, eating, toileting, connecting and communicating. These stories help children to belong and connect, to reach and hold on, to push and let go, and to experience care and caring.

7 Practical Ways to Support Your Toddler’s Development

1.         Come in beside them. If they’re getting emotionally wobbly, get close, slow your voice and let them know: “I’m here with you.”

2.         Don’t interrupt persistence. If they’re struggling but still focused and trying again, let them keep going.

3.         Offer just enough help. Think “a little finger’s worth of help rather than a whole hand’s worth”. Help in a way that makes them more likely to be able to do it themselves next time.

4.         Help them ask for help. When frustration starts building, try: “Would you like some help? You can say, ‘Help, please.’”

5.         Do it with them, not for them. Use everyday routines like getting dressed to guide rather than take over: “Where’s your foot? Can you point your toes?”

6.         Let small successes build confidence.  Everyday achievements, from getting dressed to zipping up a backpack, help build self-belief: “I can do it. I can have a try. I can try and try again”

7.         See the struggle differently. Instead of “You’re giving me a hard time,” think “You’re having a hard time.” It can change how you respond. It can really help you cultivate compassion.

Montessori Philosophy and Neuroscience

The stories we learn to tell ourselves about our lives begin in these first vital Toddler Years and toddler emotional development is woven from experience into deep internal beliefs and patterns.

We know this from Montessori philosophy and from many other current neuroscience sources, such as the work of Dr. Stephen Porges whose Polyvagal Theory explains how our autonomic nervous system continually assesses safety and danger in our environment, dictating our physiological state and emotional response.

Remember: Safety Is Something Children Feel

You can’t think or speak your way to safety. You have to feel it in your body.

For parents, this means remembering that your tone of voice and your own calm can matter as much as the words you use. Being a calm, anchoring presence can help your toddler feel safe and supported.

Dr. Stuart Shanker is an expert in the area of Self-Regulation with a framework that teaches individuals to recognise and manage stress to improve their mood, focus and behaviour. Similarly, his research on Attachment Theory and approaches like The Circle of Security can help caregivers better understand and meet their child’s attachment needs.

The Toddler Years are important because they are where a child’s stories begin and where they build their lifelong emotional floor.

About Leanne

After an initial career in the health sector, Leanne was drawn to Montessori education when choosing a school for her first child 25 years ago and she was hooked. The schools she chose for her children, the schools she would have loved to attend herself, and the schools Leanne has chosen to work with are all Montessori schools.

Leanne has a Bachelor of Early Childhood, a Montessori 0-3 Diploma and has completed foundational studies in Resources for Infant Educaters (RIE) and Circle of Security training. She has completed Early Childhood music training in Orff Schulwerk and Kodály. Leanne is a Trainer and Assessor for the Montessori Institute. She is also currently training in Gestalt therapy.

Leanne works at Melbourne Montessori College.